Excused from Christmas. In writing.
Official-looking paperwork for the grump in your life. It's a joke, and every copy says so.
Posted from £7.95, including UK postage. Order by 14 December for Christmas by standard post. If it doesn't turn up, tell us and you can choose a replacement or your money back.
Forms the office currently issues
Each one carries their real name, their real complaints and a case number of their own. For relatives, colleagues, neighbours, or yourself.
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Certificate of Exemption
Excused from all festive obligations, on the grounds marked.
The full certificate. Their name, their grounds, a case number, a signature from the Permanent Secretary for Grumbling and a large red APPROVED stamp.
See the grounds on offer
- Paper hats
- Charades, again
- Matching jumpers
- Sprouts, on principle
- Secret Santa
- Christmas in October
- The same six songs
- Being asked to "just pop over"
- Forced jollity
- Tinsel in general
- The Boxing Day walk
- Board games, and the ensuing row
- Turkey until the New Year
- Small talk with relations
- Cracker jokes
- Queueing for anything
- The office party
- Being told to cheer up
- Being asked about Christmas plans
- Round robin letters
Form BAH-1
Choose this one: Certificate of ExemptionA4 print£24.95Greeting card£7.95Phone pass only£2.95 -
Season’s Grievings
A formal complaint against Christmas. Upheld.
The Ministry's answer to the Christmas card. It sets out what they can't stand, names Christmas as the respondent, and stamps the complaint upheld.
See the grounds on offer
- Started in October. Again.
- The same six songs in every shop.
- Charades, again.
- Being asked to "just pop over".
- Sprouts. On principle.
- The car park at the big shop.
- Socks, as a concept.
- A novelty jumper was mentioned.
- Nobody has found the Sellotape.
- Mince pies before December.
- Having to look surprised.
- The washing up.
- The work do. Attendance noted.
- A collection for someone nobody has met.
- Being asked whether all is ready for Christmas.
Form SG-1
Choose this one: Season’s GrievingsA4 print£24.95Greeting card£7.95Phone pass only£2.95 -
Licence to Grumble
Fully licensed. Further grumbling is now legal.
For the seasoned grumbler who deserves recognition. It licenses them to complain, by class, for as long as they'd like.
See the grounds on offer
- The price of everything
- The weather, in any direction
- What is on the telly
- Parking
- Young people and their telephones
- Old people and their telephones
- The thermostat
- Roadworks
- Self-service tills
- The way the dishwasher was loaded
- Other drivers
- Christmas, generally
Form LG-1
Choose this one: Licence to GrumbleA4 print£24.95Greeting card£7.95Phone pass only£2.95
The procedure, such as it is
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Part 1. State the grievances
Enter their name, tick what they can't stand and add a line of your own. The document updates as you type.
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Part 2. Check it before you pay
You see exactly what will be printed, with the wording written out in full. Once it's paid for, it goes to print, so do check the spelling.
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Part 3. We print and post
It goes straight to their door, or to yours if you'd rather hand it over and watch. You choose at checkout.
EXEMPT
Every order comes with Exemption Papers: a joke pass for their phone, free. When someone passes them a paper hat, they tap Present papers and the whole screen says no.
It opens from a private link you send them. Added to the home screen, it works without signal. Try this one. Or buy just the pass for £2.95.
The holder is formally excused.
Grounds: Charades, again
Last applications
Applications close on these dates, without sympathy. We post to the whole UK at the same price, including Northern Ireland and the Scottish islands, with no customs forms. Northern Ireland and the islands can take a day or two longer, so allow for it.
| Standard post | 14 December |
|---|---|
| Express post | 17 December |
| Print at home | From 16 December |
Questions lodged so far
Will anyone think this is real?
Not for long. It says plainly that it's a joke gift and not a government document, and it says who it's from. If official-looking post might worry them, tell them it's coming, or post it to yourself and hand it over.
Can I send it straight to them?
Yes. At checkout, enter the address you'd like it posted to. There's no price or receipt in the envelope.
What if I spell their name wrong?
We print what you typed, so read it through before you pay. You can change anything until then. After that, email us straight away and we'll try to catch it, but we can't promise to. If we've printed something wrongly or it arrives damaged, we'll put it right.
They've had a hard year. Is this still a good idea?
You know them best. For some people, being officially excused from all of it is exactly right. For others, this isn't the year. If you do send one, consider posting it to yourself and handing it over. The office has no opinion, and would quietly understand either way.